Faking The Climax: Uganda’s Political Bedroom Exposed

By Isaac Christopher Lubogo

In Money Heist, Inspector Sierra tells the Professor:

“Man is programmed to ejaculate in the shortest time possible; woman to last the longest. Sometimes, incompatibility makes one fake an orgasm.”

Uganda has been trapped in this metaphor for decades. The State is the quick partner, seeking short-term highs; the People are the slow partner, needing sustained build-up. And because neither adjusts, the People fake it — applauding, ululating, and pretending to climax with every national “success.”

1. Universal Primary Education (1997)

The Performer: President Yoweri Kaguta Museveni

The Stage: Kololo Independence Grounds

The Climax: Free education for all children! Applause thundered, donors cheered.

The Aftermath: Teachers unpaid, textbooks scarce, classrooms overcrowded. Learning outcomes fell to among the lowest in East Africa. The People smiled for the cameras, but the act left them empty.

2. NAADS to Operation Wealth Creation (2001–2014)

The Performer: Gen. Salim Saleh & UPDF

The Climax: Distribution of seeds and farm tools with military precision. Ministers posed for photos with sacks of beans and coffee seedlings.

The Aftermath: Poor seed quality, no irrigation, no market linkages. Farmers clapped as they received the packages, then quietly returned to subsistence poverty.

3. Entebbe Expressway (2018)

The Performer: President Museveni with Chinese partners

The Climax: A world-class highway, ribbon-cut in bright yellow sashes. “Uganda has arrived!” was the chorus.

The Aftermath: Tolls priced beyond the reach of ordinary Ugandans; feeder roads to villages remain mud traps. The People smiled on opening day but now dodge potholes on their daily commute elsewhere.

4. The Oil Announcement (2006)

The Performer: Museveni flanked by Tullow Oil and Heritage Oil executives

The Climax: “We are now a middle-income country in waiting!”

The Aftermath: Seventeen years later, oil still underground, citizens still in economic hardship. The People clapped in the euphoria but have since been left in a long, cold afterglow.

5. Parish Development Model (2022)

The Performer: Museveni and Cabinet ministers

The Climax: A revolutionary grassroots financing scheme — money straight to the parish level!

The Aftermath: Delayed disbursements, political interference, mismanagement of funds. Local councils staged dances and songs for the President’s visit, but actual transformation is still pending.

The African Truth

African proverbs are blunt: “Okwefuga tekulya” (Self-rule does not guarantee food on the table). Uganda’s political rhythm has been quick, loud, and performative — a stage act for donors, summit attendees, and the party faithful. The citizenry, like the slow partner in bed, has learned to fake satisfaction to avoid confrontation, to live on hope that maybe next time will be different.

The Philosophical Danger

As Kierkegaard warned: “The most dangerous illusion is to believe we are awake when we are asleep.” Uganda risks believing its own performance. The leadership thinks the nation is climaxing with them; the citizens have mastered the art of moaning on cue.

But history is merciless: faked orgasms cannot produce children, and faked national satisfaction cannot produce development.

The Way Forward

Uganda must abandon quick fixes and adopt the rhythm of true governance — long-term, people-centred, synchronised. Only then will the moans in our national bedroom be real.

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